2003-04-25 - 5:56 p.m.
It's fascinating, what you take as an insult or as a compliment and why.
So I went to the Cuff tonight. It's a rare occurance, actually, me going to the Cuff. I go to the Eagle and the Seawolf on a pretty regular basis, both of them leather fag bars in their own special ways... the Eagle with the back porch blowjobs, art fag films on the wall, and post-punk DJs, the Seawolf with Miller High Life in bottles, Sunday brunch, and a fireplace. The Cuff, though, is funny. I've heard people say that the only S/M that exists at the Cuff anymore is Standing and Modeling. That's not my own assessment, but from what I know from experience, getting a handjob at the Eagle is easier than getting a handjob at the Cuff. Who knows why, maybe they don't like femmey boys like me at the Cuff, maybe they don't like trans dudes, maybe I just didn't happen to have luck on my side or a captivating wink when I went there last. But my judgement of the Cuff is that it's fairly gender essetialist, and that makes me hella nervous.
Tonight, I went to the Cuff to meet up with some friends. I had a great time. I found them, drank beer, admired the funny framed sketch of the man being fucked (naked save for boots and tube socks) by a lion. It took me awhile to find my friends, and I ended up running into some other people... a couple of them some friends I know through a person I date, and some I knew through my old job that I quit probably 2.5 years back.
I immediately get into this great conversation with this dude D. He's friends with people I know through E., this bitchin person I date. We recognize each other. It turns out that he was an ASL interpretor for this forum I recently attended on the future of queer activism. We chat about the organization that sponsored the talk. It's a group that has historically been a pretty socially-oriented group for gay and bi men. Recently, they've begun sponsoring more politically-engaged events and also social events for gay, bi, and also queer and trans men. I spoke with D. about why this is and about who was responsible for this transition. We talked further about how I want to have a discussion between male-assigned queer dudes and trans dudes and trans fags about our beef with one another. It felt exciting, like I was being understood (rather than humoured) by a non-trans dude, that he was on my side and that he wanted this conversation to happen.
Suddenly, I see a dude I used to work with. He notices my recent chest surgery, I tell him, yes, I'm really excited about it. I've told him I'm trans, but he seems to have a new exuberance about what that means, and introduces me emphatically as "he!!" to all of his friends. In particular, he says, "Meet N." So, I shake hands with N., he is coy and cute and 22. He is all up on me, which is at first kind of cute but funny. He tells me that tranny boys are his "thing," that his last 5 boyfriends were trans. This makes me feel weird-not-good, and then he grabs my ass. And that I'm wearing my J. Lo-ish manthong-showing-under-teenjeans style makes me wonder if anyone WOULDN'T grab my ass (not as an ego thing, but for god's sakes, thong plus teenjeans equals H-O-T on any ass, no matter what), but the tranny-chaser profile that's shaping up is making me nervous. He gives me his number, telling me I should visit his town soon.
Meanwhile, D. asks if I want anything to drink. He's being cute and coy, too, though a more subtle cute and coy. My friends, who I finally ran into, tell me he's been the boyfriend of a transfag for awhile. He comes back with a drink, and talks to me while he puts his hand on my back. "I noticed you," he tells me, "at the forum. When you were talking, I was like, chest surgery! I mean, when you've dated FTMs for awhile, you can tell." As I had my surgery but three weeks ago, this was kind of exciting but also perplexing, and definitely a little gross. So I know now that he spotted me cos of my chest surgery. It made me want to get the black shirt with the pink rhinestone embellishment I saw that says, "MY FACE IS UP HERE" with arrows pointing upwards. Anyway, D. and I talked about who we date and why, how I date queer freaks who understand the ridiculousness of gender binaries, the idiocy of a concept of "natural" gender, and the radness of deliberate, complex, and intentional gender enactments. He tells me why he prefers FTMs, and although I'm into how much thought he's put into it, and how deliberate that proclivity seems to be, it still makes me feel nervous. Suddenly, N. comes up between D. and I, affecting what I can only explain as aggressively charming. When he leaves, D. rolls his eyes at the "fetishizers." I agree that I hate fetishizers, and that I'm skeptical about anyone who thinks I'm cute these days (which, may I add, feels crappy). He's understands fetishizing, he thinks it sucks. I wonder if it's alright that he has consistent attractions to FTMs (since that usually is major fetish red flag), what that's about, whether or not it's different from or similar to consistent attractions to dudes or ladies or both or all or whatever is in between. What's the difference between proclivity and fetish, between "this is what I like" and "this is what I like to hold power over"?
I've spent so much time in fag communities and spaces, feeling pissed about the gender rigidity of these places that should feel exciting, hot, and interesting. There have been important exceptions, hot handjobs and blowjobs, phone numbers, all the stuff that makes you remember that boys like me and all other boys are what we make ourselves and what we consciously decide that we are. But in large part, there have been a lot of dudes that insist on calling me lady, that ask me if I'm coming to dyke night, that call me miss and ma'am in a place that would never even think to say "mister" or "sir" to anyone else. But all of a sudden, two male-assigned boys are on my jock, and this hasn't happened with this intensity a fervor before. I got my chest surgery but three weeks before, and I can't help but think these boys are having an easier time reading me as trans because I'm all of a sudden titless. Suddenly, I'm hearing people refer to me as a "boy" when before the most trans description I could get was "transboy." Which, though I have no objection to, will always emphasize the transition over the gender presentation. So, suddenly, I'm titless, and I'm a boy. And people are sitting here telling me their trans cred. "My last two partners were trans." "The last five boys I fucked were trans dudes." I don't know what I should feel-- relieved? Because I'm sure a lot of the male-assigned fags I've thought were cute were skeptical of me cos they would have never thought anyone who wasn't assigned male at birth would like to fuck them or vice versa. Wouldn't I prefer a male-assigned dude who HAD thought through the existance (and hotness) of transfags and transboys, and furthermore, who had experienced such hotness? But I'm caught in this conundrum. I just want to fuck who I want to fuck. But it feels like everyone else is so caught up in the identities of the people they NEED to be fucking that it either includes me TOO MUCH or excludes me too much. And to an extent, I suppose identitiy is really important criteria in terms of who I fuck... I want whomever I fuck to be understanding of genderqueerness, and to feel me when I say that I am a monster-gendered fagdyke. But I really don't wanna be the tranny to somebody's tranny chasing, and I don't want to be the castaway to somebody's male-assigned-fag-exclusiveness. It was a funny night tonight, to feel so much like people got it more than usual, weren't just humouring (as I usually feel), got my transness, and furthermore found it hot and great. But then again, I don't think it was about any of the particulars of my gender and gender project that these dudes found exciting... I think it was more like "tranny on the tranny radar." And that is really boring. I hope I'm wrong, but I couldn't let go of my skepticism, and I wonder what those two people would have done or been to me if I had passed as a dude, and then they discovered I was trans. I wonder what would have happened with them had I still had my tits. It's weird, to occupy this position where I'm skeptical of everybody all of the time. I'm a trusting kind of kid, it's not my habit to scrutinize as much as I am and I do. But I am, and maybe that's alright. However, though I'm all for the skeptic, I want to feel like there is room between "asshole" and "fetishizer." How can I find that and trust in it? I really, really want to think that is possible, and that I meet people all the time who don't fall into either camp. I want to know for sure that's true.
